


Twenty Twelve.

by ObjectivlyOli



Series: Matt Maeson Doctor Who-verse. [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Hopeful Ending, I kind of fell in love with Rose while writing this story, Jack Harkness also needs a hug, Jack Harkness is hard to be around, Like, Loss of loved ones, M/M, Most of my stories are sad, Nine is a depressed Boi and needs to be cared for and watered at least once a day, Sad, Songfic, Stupid reasons, Ten Needs a Hug, The history of the Doctor, alien planets, but the Doctor is avoiding him because of reasons, empathic connections, lonliness is practically a character in this story., really badly needs a hug, the Doctors family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 04:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18958150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObjectivlyOli/pseuds/ObjectivlyOli
Summary: The Doctor has walked through blood across all the galaxy, has hurt and lost and never really healed, maybe the path to healing involves making peace with his past...





	Twenty Twelve.

**Author's Note:**

> **I don't own any of the characters or shows, I'm just writing a fanfic**  
> This is a companion fic to The Hearse, which is the first in the series and from Jack's POV, anyway, all the places mentioned in this story like Indigo 3 are cannon places in the Doctor who Verse and are pretty cool, so if you want, check em out, cus it was really fun.  
> P.S I wrote this while having panic attacks on vacation, so if it seems disorganized then... yeah, thats a thing `\\(*^*)/`

It hadn’t always felt like this.

The Doctor realized one day, it hasn’t always felt so bad, he hadn’t always felt this guilt, this need to be good.

Maybe it was when Gallifrey fell, but in truth, it was long before that, before he was even called the Doctor.

It was the prophecy.

Theta first heard about it when he was one hundred, very young for a Time Lord.

There had been a great murmuring when he entered the council room after being called in, then the seer with red hair had pulled him aside, taken him to see the leader of the Seer’s.

It was all rather scary, having them stare at him without saying anything.

But then the first seer spoke, voice echoing as the others joined in “You are destined to save the universe, to stop the Time War, you alone will do this.”

It had been a huge prophecy, terrifying prophecy, one that would be studied for years, the meanings changed depending on who told it.

But it wasn’t important to Theta, not after he met Nevria, not after falling for her.

For a long time it was all that mattered to him, but seeing someone who genuinely cared for him and didn’t seem to believe in the prophecy, it changed how he saw himself.

In the end, he gave up on trying to interpret the prophecy, on trying to be perfect, because she was his love, she was his life and frankly, she didn’t give a damn about the prophecy, especially when she saw how stressed he had been, how nearly every waking moment he was plagued by it, feeling the weight of all Gallifrey resting on his shoulders.

Nevria told him to let it go, because until the time came he wouldn’t know how he was supposed would save the universe, maybe he would save it by singing, or dancing, you never know with prophecies.

It had settled him, if only for a little bit, he was a traveler, that was in his blood, his very soul.

So Theta studied, spent years studying around the galaxy, centuries even, coming home and telling Nevria of all he learned, picking his daughter up and twirling her around, explaining of the wonder and beauty waiting for them outside Gallifrey.

He never did get to take them anywhere.

A Dalek, metal cased, unfeeling, horrific Dalek, it shot Nevria, dead in two heartbeats, he could feel it, burning across their empathic connection.

Theta had screamed, had cursed all the stupid creatures, cursed himself for leaving, for saving others when he should have been home, when he should have been doing what he was prophesied to do.

But the truth was, when he saw more Daleks coming, he didn’t raise a weapon, he didn’t charge, no, he fled, he took Nevria’s body, took the tiny cold body that was his daughter and hid in the Tardis, crying over his lost loves, over the family he had been so proud to have, pleading that it not be like this.

They remained still.

So Theta ran, ran from the Time War, ran from Gallifrey, he scattered their ashes through the milky way, singing a song of mourning that would one day reach every living thing in the universe, if only for a second, a remembrance.

He was not Theta, Time Lord savior, he was not the answer to the Time War, he was no one, he could float anywhere and be anyone he wanted to be.

So he choose a couple letters, ones he liked, that sounded good in most dialects.

With the Tardis beneath him, a jury rigged sonic screwdriver in hand, the Doctor made his first voyage.

It was a monastery, Indigo 3 to be precise, a perfectly symmetrical desert with a building in the center, the Sanctuary of Imperfect Symmetry, it was amazing, a whole religion made to counterbalance the deserts symmetry.

The Doctor stayed there for years, figuring things out, how to make do without his connection to Nevria, how to live on his own again, he found peace in the sands and the lopsided walls.

It would become one of his favorites places, next to the singing towers of Darillium and Barcelona, the planet, not the city.

~Maybe I’ll stay right here~

As years passed, it became apparent that he was good at saving people, he became known around the galaxy, seen as a beacon of hope and goodness, he liked it.

Selfish as it sounds, he really liked that.

Which is why the end of the Time War broke him, because he saw horrible, impossibly cruel things done by both sides, by people he was friends with, people who were once considered family.

~Maybe I’ll keep this mind~

It always seemed to catch up to him, Nevria, his girl, wherever he went he saw references to it, to what people had done in the Time War, the scars written in the galaxy, both at the Time Lords hands and at the Daleks, whole planets, whole races, wiped out without a second thought, it brought him right back to the conclusion he made when they died.  
There was no winning.

It took looking into the untempered schism to realize how right that statement was, if the armies continued, they would destroy the universe.

They were actually so close to that reality, five days eight hours and two minutes, if he was calculating correctly, because that would be when the Daleks destroyed Gallifrey, when they would be free to roam the universe by the thousands.

The idea came quickly, a last resort, a last resort that would never be used, that would never need to be used.

Because this was the Doctor, the man destined to stop the Time War, to save the universe, that’s what he’d been told for all his life, that’s what the people of Gallifrey believed in.  
And now was his time, his hour, he would talk, he would convince them to stop, he would stop the Daleks himself if he had too, destroy them, throw them into an event horizon, but this was ending, before it killed more children, more planets, before it made a murderer out of the innocent again.

It was his mission and he would not fail.

But prophecy’s are fickle things, they can be interpreted so many ways, you just had to read it differently, time and death changed things, changed people.

The Doctor, the man who fixes things, who was destined to end the war he… he destroyed Gallifrey and everyone on it.

The Doctor destroyed the Daleks and Gallifrey to save the universe and for some reason, he survived, he lived through the planet exploding into nothingness, the fleets of Dalek war ships burning up.

That had been a blow, waking up alone in the Tardis, wearing a new face, it took a couple minutes for it to sink in.

Then he was throwing the door open, desperate to see, to make sure he hadn’t done what he thought he had just done, because he couldn’t, because he was the Doctor and he fixes things, he doesn’t kill, he doesn’t destroy, he wouldn’t...

A burnt sky was all the answer he got.

The Doctor spent weeks scouring the space, hoping to find some sign of life, of any life, one child, just, just one, please, they couldn’t all be dead.

There weren’t any.

So he sat in the Tardis’ doorway, on the edge of what once was his home and cried.

Time Lords weren’t supposed to live alone, they weren’t supposed to be singular, they were supposed to be connected, if not physically than emotionally to the planet and the people, but all the Doctor could feel through his connection was darkness.

It did him no good staying here, suffering for weeks on end as he looked for life where there wasn’t any, wouldn’t ever be any.

So the Tardis did what she was supposed to do, take him where he was needed, help him as he helped people.

~Maybe I’ll live in this moment forever~

When the Doctor opened the door again it was to Junk, both figuratively and literally, it was the planet Junk, where people had been mysteriously disappearing, leaving behind only a single rose pink in its wake.

It was fascinating, completely bizarre even, it gave him purpose, it saved him.

The Doctor would never know, but Rose left the roses for him, during Bad Wolf, so that it didn’t look like a Vashta Nerada doing it, so it would keep his interest, because that’s what it needed to do, what he needed to become the Doctor again.

It worked.

Soon enough his mission was to try and pay retribution, to save as many as he killed, to prevent anything like what had happened, from ever happening again.

The name Doctor once again became a good thing, he was no longer the War Doctor, the Time Lord who killed all the others, the one who committed genocide on two species in one swift move, he managed to save people and little by little, he saved himself.

One stop to the fifties and he picked up a leather jacket, thoroughly enjoying earth and all the alien invasions it had.

Seemed like all he had to do was skip forward a couple years and there was another.

So that’s exactly what he did.

~Maybe I’ll speak to you~

Then there was Rose and the Autons, the crazy adventure that started with taking her and hand and saying “Run.”

When they finally stopped running it seemed like it had been years when in actuality it had been a mannequin filled department stores and a street, he couldn’t stop smiling at her, this bright thing, so alive and sweet.

The Doctor did a slapdash explanation of how he planned to stop the Autons and hopefully not die, probably being a bit rushed and maybe even snarky when he told her to enjoy her beans on toast.

She had looked so shocked when he closed the door and he felt a bit bad.

So the Doctor popped his head out the door “I’m the Doctor by the way, what’s your name?” he asked, heart's going a mile a minute and not just because of the bomb in his hands, he felt alive, for the first time in a long time, since losing Nevria.

For one startling second she looked surprised, then she was smiling “Rose.” she tossed out, looking lost.

“Nice to meet you, Rose.” The Doctor greeted, then held up his bomb “Now run for your life!”

The door slammed shut and the Doctor was off, chasing down the corridors until he found the right spot to place it, jetting out just as fast.

He only barely made it out before the building blew up.

And unfortunately, Rose had taken his advice and ran, but now he couldn’t quite find her and she had the arm of an Auton, not exactly safe.

So that was why he ended tracking the arms energy up at her apartment, totally not because he was lonely or anything like that, purely for safety and clean up reasons, indeed, if Rose chose to follow him down the stairs as he left with the arm, he wasn’t going to stop her.

The Doctor found a spring in his step as he walked back to the Tardis, the blonde at his side, asking all sorts of questions, human questions that he’d heard a thousand times but coming from her they sounded new, not grating but curious.

The Doctor answered back, tit for tat, smiling at her deductions and how wrong most of them were, like him being a policeman, she was fun indeed.

~Maybe I’ll walk this line~

Showing Rose the Tardis hadn’t really been planned, after taking the arm he didn’t intend to see her again, even if he wanted too, but then the Autons decided she was an associate of his and targeted her.

Which led to more running, this time from the Auton version of her boyfriend, Mickey, managing to lock him in a building only to be seemingly trapped in a closed off area.

Rose was frantic, but he just smiled.

The Tardis was here, bright and shiny, just waiting to be used for a quick get away, so he told her to get in, hopping in and turning on the lights.

The old girl spruced up a little bit just to show off, flashing her bronze and blue proudly.

It took Rose a minute to decide whether she wanted to get in a box with a strange man, but once she did, her reaction was priceless.

Freezing then immediately running back out, just to make sure she wasn’t crazy and it was actually bigger on the inside, coming back with red cheeks and wide eyes.

There was something amazing about her, about how human she was, emotional and caring.

The Doctor didn’t actually think she would want to come with him after rejecting him once already, but she did, surprising him once more.

Rose proved to be the greatest thing to happen to him since the long before the Time War, making the bad parts seem less bad and the good parts better, in some ways, she made him human, she was his compass, his muse, he realized that maybe this was what falling in love was, with Nevria it had never been a question, they loved each other instantly, their connection leaving nothing to worry about, but here, it was so much more complicated, so wonderfully confusing and human.

But nothing perfect ever stays that way

~Maybe I’ll adjust to adjusting together~

The Daleks, of course they were destroyed, but is anything ever truly gone? No, because there was one, one still alive, trapped and kept in chains, the last Dalek.

And someone had thrown him in with it, just to see if they could get a reaction, which they did.

It had been like being back, right there, holding Nevria’s corpse, seeing the Time War, even as it faded, the real Dalek alone and defenseless, seeing it’s weak defiance brought out the worst in him, brought out the cruelness he didn’t want to think he was capable of anymore.

Rose saw it.

The Doctor didn’t think he’d ever forget the look on her face, the way she moved in front of the heartless beast, protecting it.

“It’s not the one pointing a gun at me.” Rose said, too calm, her sheer disappointment clear, this was not the man who she had traveled with, this was not the Doctor she loved.  
Except that it was, it was the dark, twisted part inside him, the broken pieces sticking out, it was the real Doctor, the war Doctor and she was disgusted by him, horrified by the very idea of hurting the creature next to her, it was innocent in her eyes, but the Doctor knew what they did, had seen what they do, he couldn’t let it go.

And a moment later, when Rose exposed the Dalek, showed its slimy pale fingers reaching for the sunlight, showed the creature for what it truly was.

The Doctor knew he was wrong.

He still felt the sick twist in his gut staring at this thing, but it wasn’t quite the Daleks he’d fought, it wasn’t the ones who destroyed his home and killed his family.

It was different, it was alone, just like he was.

The Doctor tried to apologize, tried to tell her what he’d seen in the millisecond that he recognized the Dalek, but nothing he said would mean anything, because he was wrong, like so many times, it was his emotions, his anger and regret, that controlled him.

The Dalek died, but not because of the Doctor, because it was time, it was ready to go.

Rose cried, because humans were like that, because she had connected with the Dalek in some strange part of her brain and it hurt her that it was so miserable and sad.

The Doctor had guided her back, feeling like this was the end of their journey together and regretting so much, there shouldn’t have been one still alive, there just couldn’t be anymore Daleks, not now.

And now there would be no companion, no more Rose and the Doctor.

~I could open the door and breathe in the dust~

The morning, however, brought a shock.

Rose was still there, smiling softly at him over a cup of tea “I was thinking ‘bout what you said, being the last, being alone, I wanted to tell you. You’re not, you’re not the same as the Dalek, cause you have me, I won’t let you be like the Daleks.” she promised, eyes serious.

The Doctor refrained from telling her that he would probably outlive her by many, many centuries, instead he smiled, a big, goofy grin “I do, don’t I? I have you.”

Rose laughed “Yes, now come on silly man, where are we going today?”

The Doctor took her to Lakertya, showed her the mountains and lakes, all the strange and wonderful things living in them, it ended up being like a beach trip, Rose splashing him with water and then shrieking when he returned the favor.

Knowing she’d seen him, the dark version of him, the War Doctor and choose to not only stay but seemed to enjoy being around him was amazing, it was more than he deserved, it was like forgiveness in a way, like freedom.

Rose didn’t see him as twisted and broken, she saw him as the Doctor, her Doctor, who always tried his best even in the worst of circumstances.

~I could walk through those flames 'til I don’t feel their touch~

They left Lakertya behind, planning on going to Kapteyn 5, but then a strange capsule had floated in front of them, thoroughly distracting them from their plans.

The Tardis brought them to the 40s, in the midst of the london blitz.

It was there they met Jack, or as he had introduced himself Captain Jack harkness, a flirtatious man from the 51st century, currently posing as an officer in the war while trying to sell the capsule in his spare time.

Jack was an idiot, but he was a moral one, brave, willing to die alone with a bomb strapped to his ship to save the lives of others, having a drink when he realized just how screwed he was.

That was about when the Doctor showed up, saved him, standing in the Tardis and dancing with Rose, a smile on his face as he waved to Jack, inviting him inside the machine.

Jack was special, there was something about him that the Doctor could feel, something reminiscent of a connection, maybe he had a destiny that was grand and maybe it would be to sleep with half the galaxy, seeing as he’d almost completed that quest already, or maybe it was more to do with his heroic tendencies.

Whatever it was, the Doctor was glad he met him.

~Oh, but how can I leave when I know what’s out there?~

They were happy, the three of them, dancing across space and time, alive and oh so merry, talking of all they had seen, all they wanted to see, they had so much to do, so much time, it was beautiful, it was exciting.

The Doctor could see the future laid out for them, years of travel and wonder.

But then, there were more Daleks and the Doctor found that he didn’t care if they were the last, he didn’t care how they survived, because they were going to die, there were too many, they couldn’t be left to live.

The Doctor made the Tardis leave him, had her take Rose back to earth, because she didn’t need to see this, see him like this again.

Jack insisted on staying and helping, holding up guns that would be useless on them and smiling like he knew it and didn’t care at all, like this was a destiny he could live with.

It hurt, knowing what was going to happen, the Doctor could see the death hanging in the air, just waiting for someone to take the initiative, for someone like Jack.

Jack seemed to know too, because when Rose left, he kissed her goodbye, then he kissed the Doctor, a light in his eye as he said he wished he’d never met him, because it was so obvious he was lying.

Then Jack was off, running down a corridor to distract Daleks with what were essentially water pistols.

The Daleks gave the Doctor a choice, so similar to Gallifrey, too similar, destroy the Daleks and earth, or let earth survive but the Daleks roam free.

It wasn’t a choice one man should make, it wasn’t a choice anyone should make.

But it was the Doctors job to save the universe, it was his life's work, all that was keeping him going besides his companions.

He tried, he tried so hard to fix the machine, to rig it so that only the Daleks would explode, or so he could change the choices up, because he couldn’t do this, not again, he wouldn’t survive killing another world.

Jack’s life force fizzled out, a tiny echo through a not fully formed connection, rattling around in the spaceship and the Doctor tried not to cry.

There was only so much time now.

The Doctor had resigned himself, had set the bomb up fully, standing there, the power button right in front of him, just waiting for a tap.

That was when the Tardis materialized.

When Bad Wolf stepped out wearing Rose Tyler's skin, light spilling from her eyes, voice carrying across millennials as she laid down her law, a benevolent human goddess in her own right, too much power for all the right reasons.

She destroyed the Daleks, she saved Jack, but she couldn’t control it, she was lost in it.

It would kill her.

So the Doctor did what he always did, he saved a life, he saved her life, his Rose, he took the time vortex from her with a kiss, baring it on his own skin, the weight of all time and space.

It burnt through him, showed him the truth.

Jack was alive, but he was wrong, the very fiber of his being was enmeshed with time and energy, a small part of the vortex, forever imparted onto him, he was immortal, a fact in a baseless universe.

The Doctor couldn’t fix it, he tried, he looked at the very particles of Jack’s being and found them irreversibly changed, he couldn’t bare the idea of being around him, feeling the crackle of the universe around him, so he didn’t, he closed the Tardis and flew off, knowing he was leaving Jack, destroying their connection, their friendship.

But Jack was wrong, he felt, so, wrong.

Rose was asleep as he flew, so sweet and innocent, she just wanted to save the world, just wanted to help, yet here she was, breaking laws of space and time without a second glance.

God, she was brilliant.

Rose had been so scared, waking up, she didn’t know where Jack was and the Doctor kept talking about leaving but not really and she didn’t understand.

The Doctor hadn’t meant to scare her, he tried to explain, but the fact of the matter was, he didn’t get to tell her the important part, the whole “i’m gonna have a new face and body but i’m still the same person” part, which, yeah, he should have lead with that.

The regeneration flowed through him, the energy bursting out at the seams as he was made again.

Rose didn’t understand though, she didn’t get that the man before her was the Doctor, because he looked nothing like the Doctor, he was tall and thin, his hair was spiked and his eyes were a deep brown, nothing like her old Doctor, even if they were wearing the same clothes.

It hurt him, because he still cared for her, even in this new body, the emotions had carried over and she just, didn’t believe him.

~Maybe I’ll lie to you~

It took her weeks to truly trust him again, but even then, there was a darkness attached, because this Doctor wasn’t like the last.

Even though he was still the same person, there was a sadness that settled in his eyes, Rose wasn’t sure when she first noticed it, maybe it was when he met Sarah Jane again that she saw, because he was so happy to see Sarah and it had made his whole face light up.

Rose found she quite liked him like that, but he just looked so sad when he thought she wasn’t looking and she didn’t know how to help.

It hung in the air between them, during their dark adventure on Krop Tor, through the possession of the Ood and the satanic thing crawling up from the pit, the Doctor still had the darkness from before, the War inside him, except this time it was hurting him, not making him harsh.

Things eased a bit, after that, they went on silly adventures, like he’d always promised, Barcelona and all sorts of strange little galaxy.

It felt too much like a goodbye for Rose’s liking.

When she found out it was, she was too late, the portal between the worlds closing, locking her out of his universe forever.

The Doctor never was good at goodbyes, he had tried, but he couldn’t find the words to tell her what he’d seen in the vortex, to tell her how sorry he was to leave her.

The best he could do was burn up a sun to say goodbye, to tell her he loved her.

He didn’t even succeed in that, the sun burnt out before he could managed to choke the words out, seeing her and that universe fade out of his grasp.

It almost broke him, only the memories of all the good they did keeping him going, just barely, but just enough.

~Maybe I’ll play this role~

The Doctor met a runaway bride named Donna with fiery red hair and a personality to match, he nearly went too far in his haste to get rid of a monster spider, nearly killed without remorse, grief clogging his mind, but the Bride brought him back, made sure they both got out safe, but she didn’t want him, could barely look at him.

She’d seen the darkness and didn’t want the monster.

The Doctor couldn’t fault her for that, he didn’t want himself either, he was a mess, barely clinging onto the humanity Rose had given him.

And then Martha happened, smart, kind, Martha, she broken him even more.

Martha could pull him back from the brink with a hand on his shoulder, could temper his over enthusiasm with her calm demeanor, she found traveling to be wonderful, making friends and treating the injured when she could.

But Martha loved him.

That was just a thing, something they both knew, it wouldn’t work out, that was also something they both knew.

The Doctor knew he would only hurt her, but he was selfish, like he’d always been, so he didn’t tell her to leave, he didn’t ask her if she wanted too, just waited.

Because he knew in the end, she would see him as he really was, a broken lonely creature, a monster.

~Maybe I’ll act like my act is together~

Meeting Jack again hadn’t been intentional, or pleasant.

Jack had ran up and grabbed the Tardis as the Doctor was trying to flee, clung on as she tried to shake him off throughout all of time and space, but Jack was special so of course he clung on until the end.

Martha had been horrified when they landed and Jack was laying dead beside the Tardis.

The Doctor had just stared, knowing what was going to happen, feeling the tearing of the universe as life was sucked back into the dead “Hello again.” he sighed, looking at his old friend “Oh i’m sorry.” he said at the fact he was dead because of him, again, not much emotion to it despite meaning the words.

Martha rushed back with a med kit, hoping she could save him, or something, anything to not just stand there and let him die.

As she checked him over, Jack came back, gasping and grabbing at Martha, holding on to the living person and seeming to anchor himself by that.

All the words the Doctor thought Jack would say, like why did you leave me, what did I do? What am I? How am I still alive, all of them, were wrong.

The first technical thing out of his mouth was flirting, with Martha to be specific, who did not seem to mind in the least.

The Doctor rolled his eyes, that was so ridiculously Jack “Oh don’t start.”

Jack barely spared him a glance “I was only saying hello.” he rasped, a slight venom in his words and oh, that was what the Doctor had been expecting, anger, he could feel it too, through their connection, though frayed, it was still there.

Martha helped Jack up, watching him stumble for a second before righting himself, a look of pain on his face.

The Doctor braced himself, this was the part where he was going to get shouted at.

Jack panted, eyes serious “Doctor.”

“Captain.” the Doctor replied too quickly, staring at his once friend, the static air around him.

Jack’s eyes softened just a bit “Good to see you.” 

“And you.” the Doctor squared his shoulder, this was the time, this was when everything would go wrong, he could just see it, Jack was preparing himself, so he struck out first, nothing too bad, just testing the water “Same as ever... although, have you had work done?” he asked looking at his face.

Jack’s smile fell and he looked annoyed “You can talk.” he snarked back.

It took the Doctor a minute to realize that Jack hadn’t seen him since the regeneration and oh, right yeah that was kind of a thing, new face.

Martha watched our interactions curiously, but then, then came the words.

“I’ve been following you for a long time, you abandoned me.” Jack said, face looking exactly as the Doctor remembered it, just with a veil of pain and wisdom no human should have, hurt etched into it like stonework.

The Time Lord managed to swallow his wince, bullshiting his way through the conversation until Rose came up.

Jack had been standing back, fidgeting with his hands, eyes almost looking wet “Just gotta ask, the battle of Canary Wharf, I saw the list of the dead, it said Rose Tyler.” he finished softly, mouth a firm downward line.

The Doctor felt an immediate wave of guilt, of course Jack would have looked at that, then he smiled, an exuberant smile “Oh no, sorry, she’s still alive, parallel universe, safe and sound.” he assured, leaving out that he couldn’t save her, that she was stuck and they’d never see her again, either of them.

Jack smiled, a big, genuine smile, then crushed the Doctor in a hug, the first real one he’d had in ages, the Captain laughing in his ear, as he rejoiced.

It felt, good, it didn’t feel wrong, but the Doctor knew it was.

~Maybe I'll cope with life without hope~

Jack proved his immortality over and over again throughout Utopia.

The Doctor felt like the only thing he proved during Utopia is how awful he was to his companions, both with Martha’s feelings for him and Jack’s wrongness, he just seemed to pick out the wrong words, everything coming out harsh and cruel, he never wanted to be cruel.

When everything went wrong and The Year That Never Was happened, several things came to light for the Doctor.

Martha was far more than just a sidekick, not just someone to hold him back, she was tactical, smart and willing to do anything to save the world.

And she did.

The Doctor remained a caged bird, literally, waiting for the moment to fly.

Jack was their experiment to torture, offering to take punishments for the whole crew if that meant they were safe, pleading for them not to hurt anyone else, taking the weight without a single moment of regret, his true colors showing.

And Martha, brilliant Martha, she saved the world.

The Doctor was only the spark for her and she seemed to realize that now, could see her own potential, they dropped Jack off at Torchwood, waving goodbye, the Doctor almost asked him to stay, but he knew that wasn’t fair, he had a life, a good one here, he should stay.

But when it came time, when the Doctor fired up the Tardis again, Martha told him she had to leave.

The Doctor knew, of course, but it still hurt, especially when she used the example of a bad relationship to talk about their friendship, about how she had told her friend to get out, so here she was, getting out, leaving him.

The Doctor had just let her go, eyes sad, because she was right, he was a bad relationship, ask anyone involved with him, they’d tell you.

That prompted travelling alone, being alone, for a long time.

People break your heart, they leave, they die, sometimes they get stuck in an alternate universe, but in the end, he’s always alone.

~Maybe I’ll open the door and fall through the floor~

The Doctor re-met Donna, the redhead with too much heart and god, she was wonderful.

Donna was blazing and snarky, she was tough but she loved easily, there was so much life in her, so much hope, she believed in him, in the Doctor and what he stood for.

The Doctor couldn’t help but steal her away, well, she actually asked to come with him, but still, he took her from earth, across galaxies and stars.

Donna Noble, she didn’t even know how smart she was, he planned on showing her.

From the Pompeii to the resort planet of Midnight, the whole universe watching in wonder as the friends saved lives, as the pair worked through problems, witty comments flying between them in harmony.

~I could open the door and breathe in the dust~

It worked, it just did, so brilliantly, because Donna was different, she wasn’t Rose, she didn’t change him, not in ways he didn’t intend at least, she wasn’t like Martha, she didn’t fall for him and leave.

In fact, the Doctor was sure she wouldn’t ever leave, not if she had a choice.

That’s why it was so painful when he left her.

When he had to take her memories, she begged him not to, not to take this away from her, but it was the only way to save her.

The Doctor-Donna, for one shining moment it had worked, but now it would just kill her.

So he left her, made sure Wilf would look out for her, said his goodbye to someone who couldn’t remember ever meeting him, who looked confused by his sadness and got back on the phone with her friend without a spare thought to the strange man in her living room.

The Doctor sat in the Tardis for a long time after that, wondering if maybe he had missed something, if maybe there was some way to save Donna without losing her.

It was selfish, Donna was safe, she’d be happy.

But the Doctor wouldn’t have her, he wouldn’t have a companion, he wouldn’t be happy and he knew that, so he cried, because he always seemed to be losing people, for as long as he can remember there was loss, it didn’t seem fair.

As the galaxy’s blurred in front of his face, the Doctor decided it was his penance.

He killed the Time Lords, he killed the Daleks, he was a one man army, a force of destruction that no one had managed to stop yet, he was meant to be alone, he was meant to be singular, solitary.

Time was his to explore, so explore he did, all over the galaxy.

The word spreading, the Doctor is alone, enemies flocked, thinking alone would mean less dangerous.

Oh, how wrong they were, he was far more dangerous alone, not caring who saw.

~I could walk through those flames 'til I don’t feel their touch~

It was only Roses voice, floating up in his ear that pulled him back from doing something he would really regret.

He was the Doctor, he was not cruel, he was not cowardly.

Instead of destroying, he helped, he asked why the Aliens were angry, what made them hate him, in the end, this time it was fixable, just a quick stint in the Tardis set their timeline right, set their world back the way it was supposed to be.

It felt empty, the victory, he hadn’t fought, but maybe he wanted too? Maybe he wanted to feel something again, other than pain, even anger would be better.

The Doctor found himself on the Mars expedition, knowing all the humans here would die, knowing it would shape history.

Morbidly the Doctor wanted to be there, to see for himself what happened to them, how they died.

Except he got too invested, he let himself be emotional, which, if you’re a Time Lord, is a treacherous thing, he got angry, because it wasn’t fair, they were nice people, Adelaide was a smart woman, she didn’t deserve to die, just like the people of Gallifrey had not deserved to die.

So he let the beast out, he used every trick in his arsenal, he forced time and space to obey him, the last Time Lord, the ruler of the rules.

Adelaide was not happy about it, in fact she had been mad, he screwed up her legacy, her grand daughters future.

He might have changed all of humanity because of his need to rescue her and yet, the Doctor didn’t really care, didn’t feel anything except satisfaction.

“I’m the Timelord victorious!” he had crowed, eyes wild, this felt thrilling, going against everything he had been taught, it felt new, it felt like electricity in his veins.

Adelaide went back to her house, scared of him, of what he’d done to the universe and her future.

The Doctor was about to leave when he heard the blast.

It felt like the blood froze in his veins, like his hearts were going to burst, he turned, slow, because, she couldn’t have…

He could see the house, the dark, cold, house, there wasn’t a lifesign in it, not a single heartbeat, history rewriting itself again.

It was wrong.

The Doctor was wrong again, oh god, oh he had messed up, the realization sunk in as he fell to his knees, he’d gone too far, he was becoming something he hated.

How could he have said that, Time Lord victorious, god, he was losing it, he was losing his mind and there was no one to help, no one to fix it, because this time it was the Doctor that had broken.

~Oh, but how can I leave when I know what’s out there?~

No one could fix him, the only one who could was himself, but he wasn’t good on his own, he never had been, he’d always had someone, but now there was no one.

The floor of the Tardis pressed against his face as he sobbed inside her walls, trying to claw his way back to something resembling the Doctor, not Theta, he couldn’t be him again, couldn’t think of losing Nevria and his daughter and all of Gallifrey, he couldn’t be anyone, it hurt too much to be someone, to lose his world or his companions.

The Tardis tried to console him, tendrils of light glancing across his cheek, trying to tell him how much she loved him, that she was there for him, would always be there for him, but he wasn’t hearing her, so she did her job.

The Doctor sniffled, looking up in confusion as the Tardis buzzed to life, lights going on and the whole thing shaking.

“What are you doing?” he half yelled, clinging to the railing as it turned this way and that “Where are you taking me?!” he asked, hoping maybe she would give him some sort of answer.

She didn’t answer, the Tardis was busy, finding the right place and just the right time.

There was a clunk, then the world righted itself, the Doctor still clutching the railing like he expected her to take off again “Where are we?” he asked softly, feeling a bit nervous.  
The doors popped open.

There wasn’t much light wherever it was, the Doctor thought, taking the bait and stepping out into the unknown.

It was a brick building, metal machines strew about between the desks, dust on everything except one corner, which was cleaned immaculately, a fancy desk with a nice computer on it and a bookshelf in the back, lit up like a trophy wall.

There was something about this place that was familiar, maybe it was the smell, or the design of the place.

The Doctor stepped closer to the clean desk, looking at the frames on it, they held pictures of people, two young women and two young men, smiling at the camera happily, he merely glanced at the other side of the desk, then froze, slowly looking back, because a picture of Rose was staring back at him.

She looked happy, young, probably a bit after they met, if her outfit was anything to go by.

The Doctor squinted around him, the desk didn’t hold much else interesting except an empty pistol, the bookshelf however…

Each book had a name on it’s spine.

Sarah Jane was the first one he read and he nearly flinched back, then he saw the others, Martha Jones, Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, they were his companions, there were other books too, a small one with the name Wilf on it, silver gilded ones for people named Ianto, Tosh, Gwen, Owen, two matching ones for people called the “Ponds” it was fascinating, it was weird, but the Doctor thought it might just be brilliant.

The dedications on the books varied, some apparently being written by the person whose name was on the book, like Martha’s, just as witty and clean as she was.

But the thing that hurt the most, was that most of the books were written by the one and only Captain Jack Harkness, if someone couldn’t, he wrote the books for them, carried on for them.

“This is the story of Rose Tyler, she was a great friend of mine and this is how I remember her.”

The pages were filled to the brim with colorful descriptions, with beautiful detail, it made the Doctor pause, made him sit down and read, because it was accurate and heartbreaking, it was how Jack saw her and it…. was amazing.

There were little pictures in with the book, some real photos like the ones on the desk, others were drawings, some had him in it, most of his last incarnation, but a few of this one, all spikey hair and stripes.

~Maybe I could stop focusing on the particular~

It was lovingly done, all of them, the Doctor found, every book was true to the person, some of whom he hadn’t ever met, or would meet later, he skipped those books, his hand freezing over the largest volume, a navy blue one.

“Captain Jack Harkness, the ex time agent with infinite time.”

The Doctor merly stroked the spine, standing up, his throat dry, he knew where this was, had known since he saw Rose’s photo really.

The sign on the far wall only confirmed it, Torchwood.

But if this was Torchwood, where was Jack? Where were the others? And why did this place look so abandoned.

A few clicks on the Tardis gave him the answer “2104, what are you playing at, old girl.” the Doctor mused, pressing buttons and checking for the anomaly that was his friend, it beeped “Jack, what are you doing in York?” he mumbled, flipping the flight lever.

The Tardis complied quickly with his orders, flying them as close to the anomaly as she could pinpoint.

It was getting to be dusk, the woods around the Doctor casting light shadows on the grass and dirt, he couldn’t hear any screams, just, singing?

The Doctor followed the singing, seeing a fire in the nearby.

~Could you help me stop focusing on the particular?~

The creature in front of the fire was decidedly not human, looked like a Lumarian, all slimy and toothy, spit flying as it danced around the fire.

The Doctor had a bad feeling in his gut, Jack wasn’t here, but looking at his Sonic Screwdriver, his anomaly wasn’t far either, maybe he was stalking the creature? Oh well, whatever the issue was, Lumarians tended to be hostile so he couldn’t very well remain here until the Doctor could figure out it’s intentions.

“Hey!” the Doctor called.

The creature looked up, reaching for a clunky device at its side.

The Doctor raised his Sonic, causing the machine to spit sparks, the creature dropped it with a shout and the Time Lord advanced, grabbing it by the shirt and backing it against a tree “What are you doing here?” he demanded.

The creature struggled, seeming to realize it wasn’t getting out of his grip “Don’t kill me, don’t kill me! You’ll never find him if you kill me!” it pleaded and threatened at the same time, eyes wide.

The Doctors hearts thudded out of beat “What did you do to Jack?” he asked, deadly calm, eyes blazing.

The creature looked scared, it’s eyes darting to the left without it meaning too, looking there, the Doctor could see some earth that was disturbed, like a grav-  
“Oh you-How dare you bury him alive!” the Doctor roared, letting go of the creature, panic flaring in his stomach “Did you think he wouldn’t come back? He’s probably-he is suffering, in there, how cruel can you be?!” he switched the settings on the Sonic, pointing it to the creature, mercy far from his mind, yet still, he didn’t kill it, just melted it into the tree, forever stuck on it like an annoying piece of living gum.

The Doctor panted, staring at the tree-Lumarian-thing he had just created, this was bad, doing that was probably against some kind of law or code, but Jack was… this was not the time to worry about the creature.

The mound of earth remained still and the Doctor found himself stumbling to it, falling to his knees and scrabbling, trying to get the dirt out of the way because this was his friend, this was his friend who was stuck in here, wrong or not, he was dying, dead, probably.

It took longer than the Doctor wanted until Jack became visible, one dirt covered hand at first, then the full arm and his torso, he pulled, carefully unearthing the rest of the Captain.

Jack wasn’t breathing, his whole body cold, dirt and mud caking it.

The Doctor brushed it off, as careful as he could, fingers shaking as he pushed the dirt off Jack’s eyelids, wiping his sleeve across the tear muddied cheeks to clean them off.  
He didn’t move.

The Doctor felt his hearts sinking, he couldn’t be dead, not now, not when he really needed him, when he had just found out all that Jack had done for his companions, it just… it would just be too cruel, he pulled Jack closer, half propped on his lap, hair with just a touch of gray around the temples making him look older than the Doctor remembered.

Jack gasped, body jerking as he woke.

The Doctor was elated, for just a moment, he was happy, his friend was alive, he wasn’t alone.

But then Jack was falling to his hands and knees, choking, clawing at his mouth, at his nose, dirt and blood falling out as he gagged, horrible hacking sounds leaving him with coughs that had to have hurt.

The Doctor lurched forward, stopping because he couldn’t do anything to help him clear his airway, not out here in the woods, so he put a hand on his back, rubbing, trying to send a spark through their old, weakened connection, trying to let him know he wasn’t alone.

The coughing got weaker, Jacks body going limp, furled into a ball, eyes staring at the darkening forest.

The Doctor just rubbed his back, trying to hold back his tears, he was dying, there was no ifs ands or buts about it, it was only a matter of moments.

Jack’s body stilled, heart no longer beating, his skin going cold unnaturally fast, the effects of death taking over.

~Could you help me stop focusing on the particular?~

The Doctor smiled down at his friend, feeling something inside of himself shift, something lean towards the wrongness, because maybe he was thinking of it backwards, maybe there was nothing wrong with Jack, but something wrong with the world around him.

So he pulled his friend into his lap, looked at dead blue eyes and found it didn’t hurt, found that all he felt was that old connection between them, a small empathic link, not properly made and long abandoned.

The Doctor tested it, stroking Jack’s hair off his forehead, all he felt was an aching emptiness, grief beyond the capacity of accepting flowing through him, a lonely yearning for life rather than death in his soul.

It echoed back inside the Doctor, his own emotions traveling along the connection, he looked at his friend, his old friend and he found himself smiling sadly “Oh Jack, I left you alone for too long, didn’t I?” he mumbled.

There was no reply, just sightless eyes staring at the sky.

The Doctor pressed a kiss to Jack’s cheek “I’m so sorry, I am so, so sorry.” he apologized, hearts hurting as it felt along his companions soul, felt all the loneliness, all the despair.  
It wouldn’t do, it just... it just wouldn’t, the Doctor decided.

The Doctor nodded to himself, a defiant look on his face, holding the dead immortal, feeling something solidify in himself.

Screw the laws of time and space, they had failed Jack, just like the Doctor had, but he didn’t intend to do it again, not after the year that never was, Jack constantly sacrificing himself for others, not after seeing the books and the empty Torchwood, fuck being wrong, everything else was wrong.

Jack looked truly dead, so fragile laid out in the dying light, the stark white of his shirt contrasting his sallow tan skin, his lips a strange shade of purple, skin cold to the touch, icy almost.

The Doctor sat, staring at his friend, thinking, how was he going to explain this, how was he going to play this, because the truth was, he came here because the Tardis brought him and then he searched for Jack because he wanted to find someone who loved him, who could pull him back from the brink, but it seemed like Jack needed that just as much as he did.

It would really depend on how Jack reacted, he realized, how badly he needed help, whether the Doctor could bear to selfish when he saw how badly the immortal was hurt by him.

The Time Lord didn’t have to wonder long.

Jack jerked awake, wheezing for a second, body jerking into a seated position as he came back, the connection closing off now that he was awake, the walls built up again.

The Doctor waited as Jack got a bearing on himself.

Jack breathed out deeply, seeming to be satisfied with his body, he looked up, eyes focusing and stopping on the Doctor, mouth falling open just the tiniest bit as he sucked in breaths, then he looked impossibly sad, finding some kind of conclusion “What happened?”

“Nothing, I just… you needed help, the Tardis brought me.” the Doctor explained, waving vaguely at where he knew the Tardis was “Are… are you okay?” he checked.

Jack nodded quickly “Yea.”

“Good, good.” The Doctor mumbled, attempting a smile that came out looking timid.

Jack took a couple seconds, eyeing the Doctor, then he crossed his arms, dirt falling off his shoulders as he moved to sit across from the Time Lord “What are you doing here?” he asked, voice as serious as the Doctor had ever heard it.

The Doctor's smile dropped “Does there have to be a reason?”

“There's always a reason.” Jack said, it came out harsh, but that seemed unintended, he seemed to realize that, face going soft “You’re the man who asks and i’m the man who says yes, so just tell me, Doc, what do you need?” there wasn’t anger in his voice, not even sadness, just raw honesty and the tiniest bit of hope.

The Doctor gulped, looking at the man with dirt caked in his eyebrows “Come with me.” he said finally, softly.

Jack stood quickly, staring for a second, seeming to study him, his eyes so blue and so, so hopeful “Yeah, yes, of course I will come with you.” he agreed, holding out his hand.

The Doctor let out a breath, taking the hand and standing, a real, genuine grin spreading across his face “Yea?”

“Of course you big idiot.” Jack said, fondness in his voice “C’mere.” he opened his arms, pulling the Doctor into a much needed hug.

~Oh, focusing, on the particular~

The Doctor helped Jack back to the Tardis, arm slung around his shoulder, eyes bright, because for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t alone and he felt so alive, thrumming with it, singing with the possibility of connection, of companionship.

The two old men smiled as they filed inside the Tardis, it was all bright and shiny, just waiting for them to take her on an adventure.

The Doctor took to the console, hands on the buttons and levers, he had on a slightly manic grin, brown eyes warm and happy “So, where too, Captain?” 

Jack beamed “Surprise me.”

***


End file.
